My friend shared a plant with me. This the beginning of it growth with me. I have a green thumb. I really missed growing things. But now with this new beginning I can focus in on it. Get back in to the things I love to do. Art and all that. Just need to start and stay there. Encourage myself!

Why are you putting up with so much?  Do you think you deserve it?  Why are you limiting yourself?  Do you think that is all you are worth?

We fall in love and find out later that we have chose to love someone that won’t fight for you or even remotely love you like you love them. No limit. No Boundaries!  you give them so much it is too much.  Then you cry and break day after day as you allow yourself to be up off over and over again. Whose fault is this? Well we want to blame the person we are with instead of the man in the mirror.  You can only go through what you allow yourself too. Now don’t get me wrong there is always an expiration date.  Always a place a person comes to, a fork in the road if you will! Where you have to choose you!

Well I am at the Choose me point.  That place that all things are clear and bright.  That place where it is time for separation/detox.  Refocus!  You loose focus on you when you go into a relationship in an effort to bring two lives into focus.  But when the two lives don’t come into focus, it’s time to preserve at lease one.  That’s real!

Good Morning! Up at 3am can’t sleep. Things on my mind. I was listening to Alabama Shakes yesterday! “Don’t wanna fight no more.” This song has changed my life. Truth! Not giving up but accepting life myself my identity. I have been through about three life times of Junk. Just trying to be accepted. Well I accept my self. Tired of if I live right I will be accepted. If I deny myself some basic human desires, I will be accepted. Well who the hell cares. I am breathing! I am peculiar. There’s nothing I can do about it. There’s not a marriage a man a friend an aquaintaince that can fix me. I am me. I don’t need to be fixed because I am not broken. This world I have lived in has kept power over me through the belief that we are all broken and will always need to be fixed. But I found out that we all are a work that needs to be finished. But you can’t be if you are stuck on being broken!

Why do we fight who we are and call it strength? Why do we reject our selves and call it disciple? I am done.

My hair is thinning from medications. Big time on the sides. So I cut it off. Literally took the clippers and shaved it off . It was the best moment of my life. I have decided to use the same concept for my life. Get rid of everything till I get to the truth. Cut off ever thing that has already left. Everything that I really don’t need. Everything that is barely hanging on! Truly breathe!

I am in discovery! What’s underneath all that?!

I see a lot of people today that have no idea who they are but are seeking validation through works and its sad. Satisfaction for them will never come. Contentment will never come. Real joy will never come. Disappointment will always have it appointed time to show up. Its inevitable. It’s a friend.

My joy and contentment came from my spouse, they died divorce, cheated, were annulled. My children grew up, and I was right back to just me. I’m reaching inside and ripping her weak behind out of the shadows and celebrating her many existence! Who cares? I care! Not to impress others, but to make sure I am me till the day its time for me to go!

Things change!

When you have been positive for a minute and your life has adjusted well to the knowledge of that, it’s a slap in the face to have to experience someone’s reaction to you now that THEY know. The way they carefully tip around an old elephant in the room. The obvious phrases of fear and ignorance that they approach you with. It’s an amazing and crazy experience. But that’s this life.

We must move on… Even when others are having a hard time moving on them selves.
~J the HIV’er~

Silence and Denial won’t stop a Thing!