Another day the the Lord has given me!  I love it.  I was thinking about how wonderful it is to be free to speak and love and laugh and sing.  We find so many reasons to complain and be miserable and blame someone else for it.  

Time to take your responsibility back. 

The responsibility for your actions yes. But I am talking about the responsibility of your destiny your existence. What were you created for?  It was not just to exist. It was for something significant.  
My mother told me that no one knew I was in her belly til they took my sister out. Then I had some type of illness that attacked my scalp.  Then I had asthma so bad it was ridiculous. After that my life was a series of unfortunate events.  

Head cracked open with a rock, mouth busted open, Rape, molestation, children no fathers(single parent)  abortion, terrible marriages,  homeless,  rejected,  diagnosed positive!  

But I can still wake up ready to encourage someone to hold on!  

You see in between trials there were victories. Magazines, award shows, radio,  concerts, music projects, interviews groups,  art, meeting people.  But most of all STILL ABLE TO LOVE ME AND OTHERS.  

I got tired yep. I got discouraged! Hell I dealt with a husband that cursed me out daily for sport, and would then turn around and help people carry their groceries. Lol! A husband who’s pant fell to the floor everytime anyone said he was cute. 

All of this going on while yet praising God sanging, doing art,  loving and watching my children grow up.  
WHAT CAN I SAY!  

BUT I AM STILL HERE! 

AND I STILL HAVE JOY! 

Haven’t quite figured this one out.  Lately I have been feeling like I am wasting time.  I hate that feeling and usually my decernment is correct.  I was looking for someone to talk to about it but I haven’t really been able to express my self properly.  Or when I do I walk away feeling a tad bit small.  I should know what I want.  Maybe it’s not that I don’t know what I want but I need the guts to say it and walk away from the hindrance. Who cares about you achieving when they are counting you as a part of them accomplishing thier goals. Wake Up!  Or wake back Up!  

The trick… 

You are on a path of awareness and freedom for yourself and someone keeps stepping in and making you feel as though you need them for this private journey.  Then before you know it you are consumed,  confused and distracted. 

Trying to get mentally released from the strong hold you truly volunteered for.  

Lol

Something so Calming about Water. 

Is it the Cool breeze that rest on my shoulders.  

I think about my father here.  He use to take us to the dam to fish.  Child I was so excited to watch him bate his hook then stand on the rocks and get to reeling them in.  We would look for rocks and make them skip on water.  I have been thinking about my dad alot lately. Wondering how he could leave so early. I use to have dreams that one day he just walked in the house and sat down. Everyone just sat there like this was normal.  I was the only one that could see that something wasn’t right. Then eventually his body would go limp and he would slide off the couch on to the  floor.  It was crazy. 

I want to go fishing. I wanted a man that could fish.  That I could see the world with before God calls me home.  I have 20 more years before that though.  But I have been feeling like I need to cleanse my life again.  So much to do that I haven’t done.

Someone wants to marry me.  But it’s like is that what I really want. Does that even make me happy anymore?To be married. To be attached to someone again. 

I have not had any good marriages. None. I am at a place where I don’t feel it necessary but I feels like a pattern.  Maybe I am still healing. 

Hahaha are maybe it just a wall of excuses to protect me from disappointment in that area. Alot to think about. 

Down Here by the Water! 

I am not too good at bondage or anything trying to rule over me. Control is a very hard thing for me to deal with.  Better yet Manipulation. Yep thats the thing that gets me.  Playing on peoples emotions and/or short comings to get them for fold or bend to your agenda.  I can’t do it.  My childhood was very strict.  And not all the rules were set for my good some were set to ease the feeling fear in some one elses life.  I know this sound crazy. 

This is the day that the Lord has made…. I am Rejoicing!  

OK!  The saga continues!  Up and ready to handle somethings. This weekend was something else.  I am going through the Empty Nest mumbo jumbo.  Children busy and gone alot. I will be glad when I have adjusted.  Because sometimes it is straight up crazy lonely.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have Church.  Well I am careful not to get so caught up with church that I check out of reality.  Meaning.  I don’t desire to hide in the church and substitute people to soothe loneliness.  Pain of any sort is always evident of a place where healing is needed. Embrace it find out why it’s there. Then do whats necessary to get your healing.  That’s growth.  So I don’t want to avoid this unfamiliar place I want to find out more about it so I can go through it and come out of it stronger. It is truly a challenge. I want to call someone just to not feel this but thats like backsliding for me.  I am enjoying spending time with me. Loving me.  I just recently had to cut my real hair due to hair loss.  Yes!  Hair loss and thinning.  I desired so Much to have someone to tell that too.  Just to hear feed back.  No one available. So I write about it. My daughter was so sweet.  She loves the hair cut. I am going to go platinum. I have always wanted to.  Gonna be a big change considering I have a new style everyday.  Hahaha 😂 but thats just me!                    

Happy Monday 

Fellow HIV’ers