Be You!

I want to Testify!

It’s past time to be you. I am not talking about the person you have made yourself into. I am not talking about the people pleaser that have served peoples negative thoughts of you. You know what I mean. Those thoughts you entertain that have driven you into an alternative personality so you can be loved and accepted.

I know these thoughts. I caved to them all my life. Pursuing things I had no interest in hoping that this would be the thing that makes my father say “I am proud of you.” But I failed at every attempt because none of it was about me. It was about a place of disappointment in myself I had reached that had me in a downward spiral. Before I could find out who I am, rejection, abandonment and low self worth had set in. And the people I was surrounded by made it harder to see my way. I went through a repetitive pattern until I was well into my 30’s. The men I chose where fragments of the father I could never impress. The friends I chose were users and opportunist because they made me feel worth something. So I didn’t mind be used. I was not a drug attack but I was high off of the fact that my talents excited people. But I still had no idea who I was. I was lost in a downward spiral that keep me by these random moments of false affirmations. What’s crazy is I knew that these moments would end. It was like living life time after life time.

I married one of these moments in 1998. Still in my spiral. I don’t think I ever loved him. I know I thought I could prove to my dad I was not a disappointment. Hell, I was so lost . My dad was waving the red flag. I did it anyway. Crazy and desperate to prove I can make good decisions. Lord Have Mercy! That man made a straight up fool out of me. But he could have done it, if I wasn’t playing the fool. Compromising and settling all at the same time. The world was dark in these years. He was sleeping around female or male. I was kicking him out every week or moving out. I mastered the art of packing a taxi cab. It was horrible. His mother was perfect example of the mother in-law from hell. And the Oscar going to… Me! I did what I do best. Became what I need to become to make it through. After all WHO AM I?

One day I woke up and felt completely out of place. I talking like about lost. I sat up on the side of the bed and for a moment I didn’t know where I was. everything was strange. I got myself together. I literally had to shake myself. That was the first moment my soul tried to wake me out of my mess.

A lot transpired from that moment on. It was like an abrupt stop in my imaginary life. I had a longing to figure out who I am and where I am suppose to be. That marriage ended. But I found out that I had a lot more to go through.

Until Next Time

~Salvationafterhiv~

Let’s talk depression.
First of all anyone can be depressed. It has no respect of person. When you have stop having interest in you hobbies goals or the things that truly bring you joy, this is a sign. When you just want to sleep all the time. You keep the lights off and the blinds closed for days on end. That’s a sign. Feeling worthless, unwanted and lost. That’s a sign. If you have ever thought everyone would be better off without you. That’s is depression.

We need to talk. In a world that wants everyone to get there s#$@ together, we must truly understand that some need help with this more than others.

We are not the same. We were not raise the same. We didn’t experience the same things. You never know who’s healed, who’s broken or who’s completely shattered. But we need to care. Point Blank. If you can’t care maybe you need to be healed as well. And that’s ok. Because I care.
~salvationafterhiv~