I want to Testify!
It’s past time to be you. I am not talking about the person you have made yourself into. I am not talking about the people pleaser that have served peoples negative thoughts of you. You know what I mean. Those thoughts you entertain that have driven you into an alternative personality so you can be loved and accepted.
I know these thoughts. I caved to them all my life. Pursuing things I had no interest in hoping that this would be the thing that makes my father say “I am proud of you.” But I failed at every attempt because none of it was about me. It was about a place of disappointment in myself I had reached that had me in a downward spiral. Before I could find out who I am, rejection, abandonment and low self worth had set in. And the people I was surrounded by made it harder to see my way. I went through a repetitive pattern until I was well into my 30’s. The men I chose where fragments of the father I could never impress. The friends I chose were users and opportunist because they made me feel worth something. So I didn’t mind be used. I was not a drug attack but I was high off of the fact that my talents excited people. But I still had no idea who I was. I was lost in a downward spiral that keep me by these random moments of false affirmations. What’s crazy is I knew that these moments would end. It was like living life time after life time.
I married one of these moments in 1998. Still in my spiral. I don’t think I ever loved him. I know I thought I could prove to my dad I was not a disappointment. Hell, I was so lost . My dad was waving the red flag. I did it anyway. Crazy and desperate to prove I can make good decisions. Lord Have Mercy! That man made a straight up fool out of me. But he could have done it, if I wasn’t playing the fool. Compromising and settling all at the same time. The world was dark in these years. He was sleeping around female or male. I was kicking him out every week or moving out. I mastered the art of packing a taxi cab. It was horrible. His mother was perfect example of the mother in-law from hell. And the Oscar going to… Me! I did what I do best. Became what I need to become to make it through. After all WHO AM I?
One day I woke up and felt completely out of place. I talking like about lost. I sat up on the side of the bed and for a moment I didn’t know where I was. everything was strange. I got myself together. I literally had to shake myself. That was the first moment my soul tried to wake me out of my mess.
A lot transpired from that moment on. It was like an abrupt stop in my imaginary life. I had a longing to figure out who I am and where I am suppose to be. That marriage ended. But I found out that I had a lot more to go through.
Until Next Time